At Thistle & Thorne, we believe that every love story is unique and deserves to be celebrated in all its authentic glory. Recently, we had the profound honour of speaking with a remarkable trans mom (whom we’ll refer to as “Sara” for her safety), whose daughter is preparing for her wedding in 2025. Our heart-to-heart delved into the art of inclusion, the power of visibility, and the ever-evolving dance of family dynamics in the whirlwind of wedding planning.
A Mother’s Journey: Feeling the Love
Approximately two decades ago, when her eldest daughter was 10, Sara made the courageous decision to separate from her wife and embark on her journey of gender affirmation.
“I went from being a married, well supported father who was mainstream, by all external accounts, but kind of fucked up, to being happy but being a single working mom who is completely on the fringe.“
Throughout this transformative period, she remained steadfast in her commitment to her children, choosing to stay close to home to ensure she continued to play a pivotal role in their lives.
“I think the perception might be that men become women and then just run away to live their lives and that’s not the case—that was never a question”
Sara and her ex-wife navigated the complexities of co-parenting with grace and mutual respect, fostering an environment of understanding and support as their family adapted to these changes together. Sara’s journey of embracing her authentic self has been deeply intertwined with her dedication to her family. As she steps into the role of mother-of-the-bride, Sara reflects on the profound significance of being actively involved in her daughter’s wedding preparations.
“It’s pretty exciting — I feel fully included.”
she shared, reflecting on her involvement in the wedding preparations. She emphasized the significance of being included, and the profound impact that intentional inclusion can have, especially for trans parents who, like all parents, cherish the opportunity to stand proudly beside their children during such monumental moments.
Wedding traditions often come with a set of expectations, some of which may not naturally accommodate the diverse identities within modern families. Our chat with Sara highlighted the importance of reimagining these traditions to ensure everyone feels seen and celebrated. It’s all about creating a day where love and authenticity take centre stage.
For those newly engaged lovebirds pondering how to weave a trans parent into the wedding festivities, here are some thoughtful tips to consider:
Aisle Walks with a Twist: Traditionally, a parent escorts their child down the aisle. Why not flip the script? Maybe both parents join in, or perhaps the child walks solo, radiating independence. The key is to craft a moment that resonates with your family’s unique rhythm.
Witnessing the “I Dos”: Having your trans parent serve as a legal witness isn’t just paperwork—it’s a heartfelt nod to their unwavering support and love throughout your journey.
Picture-Perfect Portraits: Family photos capture the essence of the day. Including your trans parent in these snapshots not only honours your bond but also showcases the beautiful diversity of your family tree.
Speeches that Sparkle: Handing the mic to your trans parent for a toast or speech allows them to share their joy and pride, adding another layer of warmth to the celebration.
A note from Thistle & Thorne to newly engaged couples—When brainstorming these roles, take a moment to chat with your trans parent about their dreams and comfort levels regarding the big day. Perhaps they’ve envisioned a particular role or have insights on how they’d feel most at ease in the spotlight. Open, heartfelt conversations pave the way for a celebration that’s inclusive, meaningful, and authentically you.
The Power of Visibility: More Than Just Attendance
Being present is one thing; being truly seen is another. Sara expressed how meaningful it was to be visibly celebrated in all aspects of the wedding, from the ceremony to family photos. Such visibility not only honours her personal journey but also sends a resounding message of acceptance and love to the wider community.
“That’s what has made it really exciting is that I feel fully included. That would be really difficult if [a trans parent] kind of just came as an onlooker”
Navigating Family Dynamics with Love
Family gatherings can be a mixed bag, especially when they bring together relatives with a kaleidoscope of understanding and acceptance levels. She emphasized the universal threads that bind familial bonds, transcending political or personal differences. Reflecting on her interactions with her daughter’s in-laws, she observed, “There’s a common humanity there.” This perspective is a gentle nudge that love and understanding can bridge even the widest of gaps within family circles.
The Bigger Picture: Visibility Amidst Challenges
Our chat also touched on the current socio-political climate, highlighting the pressing need for visibility and support for the trans community. With recent policies affecting transgender rights, such as the executive orders issued by the Trump Administration that seek to dismantle protections for transgender individuals, the need for visibility and support has become even more critical. She candidly shared,
“we struggle with this a lot in the United States now with the Trump administration. I mean, the news is horrible.”
Her words shine a light on the resilience and courage required to navigate these challenging times.
Tips for Trans Parents Preparing for a Wedding
Embarking on this journey? Here are some nuggets of wisdom to help you glide through:
Heart-to-Heart with Your Child: Open the lines of communication about their wedding dreams and expectations. Understanding their vision helps you align your role in a way that honours their special day.
Dressing the Part: Choosing the right outfit can be a puzzle. Collaborate with the couple to understand the wedding’s dress code and choose an outfit that aligns with both the event’s formality and your authentic self.
Family Feels: Anticipate a mix of reactions from relatives with varying levels of understanding and acceptance. If possible, have pre-wedding chats with key family members to address any concerns and set expectations. This proactive approach can help minimize discomfort during the event.
Boundaries are Beautiful: Your well-being is paramount. If certain interactions or situations become too challenging, it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries or take a step back. Remember, your presence is about celebrating your child’s happiness while honouring your own comfort.
Lean on Your Tribe: Connecting with other trans parents or support groups can offer invaluable insights and coping strategies. Sharing experiences can bolster your confidence as you step into the celebration.
Savour the Celebration: Amidst the hustle and potential hiccups, focus on the joy of the occasion. Revel in the love and union that the wedding embodies, and treasure the moments shared with your child and loved ones.
By approaching the event with preparation, open communication, and self-care, you can contribute positively to your child’s special day while staying true to your authentic self.
A Call to Action: Supporting the Trans Community
In today’s climate, with policies and rhetoric that often sideline the trans community, it’s more crucial than ever to stand in solidarity and support. Education and empathy are our guiding stars. We encourage everyone to seek out resources, engage in meaningful conversations, and actively cultivate environments where all individuals feel safe and celebrated. Remember, growth is a journey, and taking the initiative to learn is a commendable step toward building a more inclusive world.
By embracing the stories of individuals like this devoted mother and actively seeking to understand and support the trans community, we enrich our collective human experience and ensure that love, in all its beautiful forms, is honoured and celebrated.
For those less familiar with the experiences of trans individuals, we encourage proactive learning and open-hearted engagement. Understanding begins with listening, and growth follows when we challenge our own preconceptions.
Resources for Further Learning and Support
For those looking to deepen their understanding and support of the trans community, here are some valuable resources:
Trans Lifeline (Canada Support Line) A peer support and crisis line run by and for trans people. https://www.translifeline.org/
Egale Canada National organization advancing LGBTQI2S rights and inclusion. Lots of educational tools and support resources. https://egale.ca/
Rainbow Resource Centre (Winnipeg but national outreach) Resources, workshops, and support for 2SLGBTQ+ communities across Canada. https://rainbowresourcecentre.org/
The 519 (Toronto-based but highly reputable resource) An incredible hub for LGBTQ2S support services, education, and advocacy. https://www.the519.org/
QMUNITY (BC-focused, but great national resources) A non-profit supporting queer, trans, and Two-Spirit people through resources, programming, and education. https://qmunity.ca/
PFLAG Canada Provides support, education, and resources for families, friends, and allies of trans folks across Canada. https://pflagcanada.ca/
Trans Care BC A BC-based resource hub focused on improving the health and well-being of trans and gender-diverse people across the province. http://www.phsa.ca/transcarebc
Gender Creative Kids Canada A wonderful resource dedicated to supporting transgender and gender-diverse youth and their families. https://gendercreativekids.ca/
Canadian Centre for Gender and Sexual Diversity (CCGSD) They offer education and resources for creating inclusive spaces in schools, workplaces, and communities. https://ccgsd-ccdgs.org/
Enchante Network A national network connecting over 200 2SLGBTQ+ organizations across Canada. Great place to find local support. https://enchantenetwork.ca/
with gratitude
As wedding planners, we are continually inspired by the diverse stories of love and family that we encounter. This conversation was a heartfelt reminder of the magic that unfolds when we champion authenticity and inclusivity. It’s a testament to the fact that when we honour each individual’s truth, we pave the way for celebrations that are deeply resonant and genuinely unforgettable.
As we conclude this narrative, we extend our heartfelt gratitude to Sara for sharing her journey with us. Her journey is a beautiful reminder that love knows no bounds and that being true to oneself enriches not just our own lives, but also those of our loved ones. Thank you, Sara, for allowing us a glimpse into your world and inspiring us to celebrate love in all its beautiful forms.
– Jodie Garneau, Thistle & Thorne
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https://www.translifeline.org/
